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J says:
must be nice to get to work at noon
B says:
good morning, dick
J says:
and don’t go telling me about some fictional “time difference”
J says:
these “zones” people keep telling lies about
B says:
whoa… time travel! what’s next? a trip to MARS???
J says:
i thought maybe we’d start with a … space station? no … russians are doing that. i know! we’ll colonize the moon
J says:
which is, you know, sort of like Iraq.
J says:
without the people
B says:
oh, so you mean afghanistan?
B says:
kind of like iraq, without the people?
B says:
are you not speaking to me anymore because i called you “dick?”
B says:
i didn’t mean it.

i hear it’s c-c-c-cold out there.

J says:
uh, yeah. very
J says:
a 4 block walk from the metro = not fun
B says:
howzit taking the train to work in all that cold?
J says:
dood. i read your mind
B says:
i see you’re one step ahead of me, as always
J says:
i’m, like, psychic. or psychotic.
J says:
Lol. that guy.
B says:
hey i meant to tell you…
B says:
S. finally put a moratorium on me saying “oh well, fire missles.
B says:
i’m not allowed.
J says:
Hehe. L frequently says “but i am le tired”
B says:
she’s a smart one, that wife of yours.
B says:
you’re one lucky guy.
J says:
indeed. a whip, i tell ya
J says:
S is not amused.
B says:
well, she was amused the first 3K times she heard it…
J says:
it was that 3001st time that probably did it
B says:
like the proverbial straw.
J says:
little hint
B says:
uh, yeah?
J says:
avoid proverbs that place your spouse/partner in the role of a large, possibly hump-backed, not-terribly-cute, mammal
B says:
got it. that’s a really good point.
B says:
how do you spell “i” as in…

i, i, captain.

B says:
aye?
B says:
iye?
J says:
aye
J says:
you need to watch more pirate movies
J says:
oh, i forgot to mention our excitement this morning
J says:
we have a critter living in our vents
B says:
ha! my friend C. just found a dead rat in their wall
J says:
a little after christmas, we heard some scraping near the vent in our bedroom (which runs from our bedroom across the guest bedroom into the kitchen/laundry room)
B says:
he’d been accusing his wife of “gassing it” until they realized it must be a dead animal somewhere…
J says:
ugh. how’d they find it? break down the wall?
B says:
yeah, fortunately it was in an area where he could vaccuum out of a hole in the wall. started vacuuming and sucked up a ton of dog food that had been hidden there
B says:
then *thwok*
B says:
there went the rat
J says:
eww.
B says:
eww!
B says:
so what’s your story? in the wall. scraping…scratching…ghastly noises abound?
J says:
well, you know we have those crazy loud upstairs neighbors, who don’t sleep (the Cement Feet People)
J says:
so when we first heard the noises, L. said that it was a critter … i listened (we were in bed) and said “no, it’s the guys upstairs – they must be trying to put in some cable or something”
J says:
b/c it sounded like they were running cable through the walls. this was just after christmas – figured they got some sort of big present
J says:
anyway, we heard it briefly a few more times
J says:
but it never really lasted and was hard to determine what it might be
J says:
until this morning
B says:
uh huh
J says:
i come back from the kitchen where i made some coffee
J says:
and L. is sitting up in bed with this look on her face
J says:
and i listen .. .and there’s that noise
J says:
so she jumps up, grabs a flashlight and a stepstool from the kitchen, and gets up to look in the vent in the upper corner of the bedroom
J says:
the light flashes down the vent
J says:
and we hear a distinct sound of something running away
J says:
so i grab the light and the stool … go to the laundry room and shine the light down that side
B says:
oh no!
J says:
and it runs back towards the bedroom
B says:
ah!
J says:
really clear to hear, b/c the vent system is that metal stuff
J says:
so we were listening to it move around for like 10 minutes
J says:
and i didn’t want to tell L. …whatever it is it’s not small enough to be a mouse
B says:
gross!
J says:
no kidding
J says:
and another weird thing
J says:
you know chipmunks, which we are plagued with
B says:
big cheeks
J says:
the way they seem to move is front paws, then back paws,
B says:
right. like a racoon.
B says:
sp?
J says:
as opposed to front left, front right
B says:
yeah
J says:
ok, this thing made moving sounds like:
J says:
click, clack, click, clack
J says:
e.g., individually asynchronously moving feet
J says:
rather than two at a time.
B says:
the thought of this thing having nails on it’s feet is really grossing me out
J says:
uh, yeah
J says:
and it def. has some nails
J says:
get this … vent system is in our ceiling, which means the upstairs neighbor’s is prob. on the floor, right
B says:
yah
J says:
and somehow they prob. share …it sounds like this “thing” is moving between ours and the neighbors
J says:
and it sounds like it is getting into the neighbor’s walls or into their apt.
J says:
i don’t think it’s coming into ours… b/c climbing back up into the system would be a major pain in the a$$
B says:
uhg
J says:
at one point, when it knew someone (me) was looking for it, it sounded like it scrambled up something … and *slipped* …
J says:
it fell with a *bang*
B says:
oh no
J says:
so i’m thinking it tried to climb up into the neighbors system … was a little frantic, and slipped
B says:
i hope it broke its mangy little neck
J says:
these are things that dissuade me from believing it’s a chipmunk
B says:
sounds more like a monkey
J says:
and no, it didn’t. silence for about 30 seconds. then moved up
B says:
uh huh. monkey.
J says:
little pigmy monkey
B says:
ooo, ooo, ooo.
ahh, ahh, ahh.
J says:
or, you know, a minature Abe Lincoln. Shrunk and sent through time?
B says:
man, that’d be AWESOME
J says:
My fellow Americans
J says:
Four score
J says:
maybe when folks come over to our house tomorrow
B says:
hehehe
J says:
Nat can do a search and retrieve mission
J says:
this has me a little freaked, b/c if it is a rat
B says:
they’ll have to put up with the g’berg address…
J says:
uuuuuu.
J says:
lol. right.
J says:
“would you knock it off Abe? …or i’ll send you back to the ‘theatre'”
J says:
“no. not ford!”
B says:
are you kidding????

pack it up in a shoebox and take it on the road, baby!

J says:
“dance, abe, dance!”
B says:
hahaha
B says:
okay, so this story is killing me, did you ever catch the little creature
J says:
no man, this was this morning
B says:
this morning?
B says:
holy crap
B says:
and this things been living there since xmas?
B says:
it must be hungry!
B says:
it’s gonna get you guys
B says:
for sure
J says:
that’s why i’m figuring it must be getting into an apt. or outside
B says:
gross.
J says:
but i haven’t seen evidence of it getting into ours
B says:
you gotta get some kinda animal control over there
J says:
i called the landlord this morning
J says:
immediately
B says:
good idea
J says:
and he was going to call the condo folks
B says:
man that is totally scary
J says:
it occurred to me
J says:
that it could also be a household pet
B says:
imagine what kind of creature it might actually be
J says:
like a lizard
B says:
oh no!
B says:
a lemur
J says:
a potbellied pig?
B says:
a fox-tailed platypus
J says:
a hairy-toed lemming
B says:
a spiney-toothed leapfrog
J says:
a pinko soap box turtle
B says:
a swarthy-bearded literature student?
J says:
no. they’re allowed in the house
B says:
….
 

7 Responses to Abe Lincoln in the Walls

  1. Lisa says:

    Um… this thing is moving around again.
    Seriously.
    And it’s not small…
    By the way, J… if you wanted to keep me calm about it not being a rat… or a racoon… or, what the heck, a furry toed monster with green eyes and jagged teeth… you failed.

    Code Orange Code Orange… we have a specific and credible threat in the home.

    I’m buying duct tape and syran wrap now.

  2. natalie says:

    dammit! y’all are NOT supposed to make me laugh like that at work! do you really want an analysis of what it could be? ’cause I’ve got some ideas… regardless, it won’t eat much!

  3. George says:

    So, did you ever resolve this wildlife problem?

  4. Jason says:

    No. The landlord ‘forgot’ to call (to be fair, he had a sick child on his hands), but today we’re supposed to see “The Exterminator.”

    Meanwhile, L. and I woke up several times during the night over the weekend to the friendly scratchings of … whatever it is.

    It is in the walls, climbing from the storage area beneath us (from beneath you, it devours) all the way up to the ceiling, where it sounds like it’s nesting in the corner between our bedroom and our upstairs neighbor’s. With all the chewing/scratching, I’m worried that it’ll eat through an electrical wire – not b/c it’ll fry itself, which doesn’t really bother me so much, but b/c the burning carcass would likely set the entire building on fire.

  5. natalie says:

    Any luck with the exterminator?

  6. John says:

    Good luck with the exterminator.

    Personally I think an exterminator with either Nordic or Peruvian heritage could take care of the problem.

    J how could you allow your very pregnant wife to jump up on the stool with the flashlight and go searching for this creature.

    After a quick and random read of the material here, I am impressed where your mind and stomach take you on a daily basis.

    Shoot me an email here at work, across the mall, and we can arrange a meeting so you don’t have to contemplate those brown salads and vendor hotdogs anymore. Even though I favor the vendor hot pretzels in a true pinch. But with planning you can’t go wrong with the District Chop House at 7th and E.

    lol
    C. House 96

  7. Jason says:

    Hoke! How are you?

    Chop House sounds rad – only a 5 block walk for me. Let’s pick a day.

    Replying to your email.

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